Wow, I just did something very difficult for me and I still have the wet armpits to prove it. Let me see if I can give a general idea about this without getting too specific:
There is a female friend of ours who crosses the line. Both Dave and I have felt it and we’ve discussed it more than once. I’ve never felt genuinely threatened about it but her actions when we’re together are not conscious or respectful. The last straw was that she called him while he was on a guy’s vacation in Hawaii.
To her this is simply her personality and doesn’t constitute any crossing of lines especially since she claims to have no ulterior motives and nothing other than friendly intentions. But to me and apparently to Dave, it’s weird. Being a girlfriend it brings out my claws. So instead of hatin on her I talked to her. How hard is THAT?!
Before even beginning, my armpits were sweating and I was shaking. What an awkward discussion we were about to have and what the hell do I say?! She was surprised and defensive and I tried my best to explain what I was talking about. She asked why Dave wouldn’t have said anything to her and I told her because it is a very awkward and weird discussion to have especially since they work together daily. Anyway, I let her know a woman had had a similar discussion with me years ago and after a while I understood what she was talking about, but certainly not right away.
The thing is that she says she "acts that way with everyone" so you think, it’s just how she is, it’s ok. But in fact it’s not ok with everyone. Dave and I found ourselves having a heated discussion about it the other night. We were both asking what the other could do about it. Neither one of us liked that conversation.
This is someone we've socialized with which makes it harder to say anything. And aside from this behavior, I like her. But something needed to be said. She would "never guess" that she is crossing lines and to her she is being nothing but affectionate. However, this is where the problem lies. Anyway, she admitted to being confused and needing to know what she could change. She was asking for me to spell it out for her. Part of me wanted to say, phulease, use your best judgement I know you can do it, but I spelled it out, how about start with this: don’t call him while on vacation, don’t call him Hon or Doll in front of me, and don’t touch him. After a while when we all feel better about it maybe that will change. She seemed taken aback. Hopefully if she thinks about it and after the cat fur settles she’ll get it. But I'm not holding my breath. She's old enough to know better, mid-30s, and not play naive. I do feel better having let her know but I also feel spun out from having to say those things. Yuck. Have any of you had to do something like this?
There is a female friend of ours who crosses the line. Both Dave and I have felt it and we’ve discussed it more than once. I’ve never felt genuinely threatened about it but her actions when we’re together are not conscious or respectful. The last straw was that she called him while he was on a guy’s vacation in Hawaii.
To her this is simply her personality and doesn’t constitute any crossing of lines especially since she claims to have no ulterior motives and nothing other than friendly intentions. But to me and apparently to Dave, it’s weird. Being a girlfriend it brings out my claws. So instead of hatin on her I talked to her. How hard is THAT?!
Before even beginning, my armpits were sweating and I was shaking. What an awkward discussion we were about to have and what the hell do I say?! She was surprised and defensive and I tried my best to explain what I was talking about. She asked why Dave wouldn’t have said anything to her and I told her because it is a very awkward and weird discussion to have especially since they work together daily. Anyway, I let her know a woman had had a similar discussion with me years ago and after a while I understood what she was talking about, but certainly not right away.
The thing is that she says she "acts that way with everyone" so you think, it’s just how she is, it’s ok. But in fact it’s not ok with everyone. Dave and I found ourselves having a heated discussion about it the other night. We were both asking what the other could do about it. Neither one of us liked that conversation.
This is someone we've socialized with which makes it harder to say anything. And aside from this behavior, I like her. But something needed to be said. She would "never guess" that she is crossing lines and to her she is being nothing but affectionate. However, this is where the problem lies. Anyway, she admitted to being confused and needing to know what she could change. She was asking for me to spell it out for her. Part of me wanted to say, phulease, use your best judgement I know you can do it, but I spelled it out, how about start with this: don’t call him while on vacation, don’t call him Hon or Doll in front of me, and don’t touch him. After a while when we all feel better about it maybe that will change. She seemed taken aback. Hopefully if she thinks about it and after the cat fur settles she’ll get it. But I'm not holding my breath. She's old enough to know better, mid-30s, and not play naive. I do feel better having let her know but I also feel spun out from having to say those things. Yuck. Have any of you had to do something like this?